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[30 Sep 2009|02:19am] |
My heart hurts when I go to bed alone sometimes,
Someone out there will fill this void eventually.
Right?
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
I'm just scared it's not going to be true.
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[08 Sep 2009|01:43am] |
I'm tired of my friends being dragged into bullshit.
It's 2009 and we are 21 years old.
GROW THE FUCK UP.
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[20 Aug 2009|08:34pm] |
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How do I pick the wrong guy everytime?
I'm a catch and I keep getting let go.
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[13 Aug 2009|12:10pm] |
I have no life experience
I live them out through other people's pictures.
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[06 Aug 2009|01:39pm] |
What was I supposed to do?
I did what I thought was right at the time.
Like the Cosmos was telling me everything was going to work out.
I'm happy with the results.
But the future is impending.
And I have no idea what is going to happen.
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[29 Jul 2009|02:23am] |
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Every square inch of my body is confused.
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[20 Jul 2009|04:21am] |
I am such an idiot.
Go with your first instincts Anita.
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[18 Jul 2009|01:56pm] |
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Now, what am I supposed to think?
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[17 Jul 2009|01:44pm] |
It's nothing against you Anita.
You just have to realize that it's human nature.
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[16 Jul 2009|02:20pm] |
The only thing I want is what I can't have.
One day where I can wake up and have a fridge full of food I want to eat
rather than nothing because the 16 other people I live with devour more than a plague of locusts
Take a shower with my shampoo and conditioner in the shower rather than me having to climb to the top shelf
of the bathroom closet because if I don't hide it they use it.
To have my hair products under the sink and not in my room
because if I don't hide it they use them.
To have hot water for my entire shower.
Not have to wait for a smelly hot bathroom
To walk out of that bathroom and not hear a single person talk
To lay on my couch with the ac pointed right at me and to watch all the movies I want
To not have to feel like I am in a zoo because everyone stares at me (think I am kidding come over sometime)
To have my friends come over and not feel like they are in a zoo
I wish I could tell you the last time someone slept over here because there hasn't been room in over a year
To wake up in the middle of the night and have a piece of cake that hasn't been eaten and to have cold milk
To go to the bathroom and not have to clean up after someone else.
To have one day where I dont have to run an errand for someone or drive someone or interpret english for someone
These things are not too much to ask for by any means.
I'm sinking slowly into a personal depression.
How dare my mom ask me why I come home so late
Cas I don't want to have anything to do with anyone.
Short term stay my fucking touchhole.
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[03 Jul 2009|12:46am] |
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I made this statement before.
It still is true.
I always meet guys at the wrong point in their life.
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[12 Jun 2009|12:32pm] |
I wish that I didn't have the memory of seeing him walk down that street
and feeling the world slow down as I smiled and he smiled and we embraced.
Those stupid cerulean eyes really did me in.
As we stood in the dark in a room full of people
I just felt electricity crackle around just us.
Our connection may have just been simple
but it felt like a million waves of the ocean
In the resulting weeks that seemed like centuries hope filled a decrepid cavity that once was teeming full of love.
Silly girl.
You of all people should know love cannot exist in your life.
Lust yes.
Stupidity yes.
A false sense of security...a resounding yes.
You should know better that wall that protected you for so long cannot come crashing down for anyone.
Solitude seems better and better everyday.
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[06 Jun 2009|12:13am] |
I keep trying to reason that I am okay that i've been alone for so long
But as I get older, I am slowly becoming not okay with it.
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[02 Jun 2009|05:44pm] |
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I think I am gonna go on an adventure this week.
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[26 May 2009|01:03pm] |
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i had two very different dreams last night
one was that the world was ending but not really
but i watched comets shoot across the sky
and then the world ended but it was really
beautiful and amazing and then it was
just me passing out and waking up
i hate dreams within a dream
and then
the second dream
was the best dream i've had in a while
i dreamed that i was getting married
but we were already in the bahamas
and we stayed at the trump towers in the bahamas in the penthouse for like two weeks
and like everything i had to do was taken care of and i didnt have to spend a single dollar
and me and my financee were picking out the alcohol selection and they said we could have whatever we wanted to test out because they didnt think we could drink it all
and we just looked at each other and he was like clearly you don't know about her
and the end of the dream was me and him clinking glasses to a beautiful future and an eternity of love
it was the perfect fucking dream except I couldnt see the guy's face!
and it really made me think about how now that i am getting older the more that i am looking forward
to getting married and having kids and not being so selfish about my future
i really think i am growing up.
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[22 May 2009|11:26pm] |
my anxiety is acting up
i think i am going to be alone at 30
because i am emotionally unavailable
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[18 May 2009|07:33pm] |
I saw this play once.
It's message was about what happens when you work towards a goal.
What happens when you reach the end.
Do you continue to see it through?
Or do you do just enough to never reach the end.
I didn't understand the premise of it until just recently.
It's a really heartbreaking thing to realize.
This was further cemented when I was in New York with Jake
Max explained the meaning of some lyrics from a song he wrote
that sometimes you can't control what's going on and you have to accept it
and just see how things play out
Everyone has points in their lives they wish they could go back and change.
I only have one.
But I think in growing in the past couple months, I've realized that it's not something that I would want to change.
If everything worked out, I wouldn't be the woman -yes I said woman, girl I feel isn't a word I can apply anymore- I am today
If you know anything about me, I'm always the person that looks for signs.
And I've always said if things were gonna work out, then I would know.
For the longest time, I haven't listened to my own thoughts and tried forcing the circles into squares.
Everything is changing so quickly and I think I need give up myself to the cosmos.
Hmm
whats new whats new
Moving. Yep still doing that. Hanging out in New York was crazy and I can't wait to do it on a daily basis.
I talked to a lot of my friends about it. Almost everyone told me it was a good idea.
I'm glad that Max didn't take no for an answer. He talked with me a bunch about it.
I've got nothing to hold me back. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
I'm gonna try my best. I'm gonna need to work on my anxiety though.
I think that was one of the reasons why I was hesistant on the move.
It's gonna be a good summer...right?
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[10 May 2009|12:56am] |
I thought I could let my wall down with Brendan.
But guess I just wasn't good enough.
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[09 May 2009|08:47am] |
I'm moving to New York at the end of the month.
I'm still not sure if it is a good or a bad thing.
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[05 May 2009|12:59am] |
I have abandonment and intimacy issues.
Can someone just hold me until I fall asleep?
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eloquent_silenc's journal